Confession of My Teenagehood

When I was about in my 2nd Form during my school days, I was surrounded by friends who took up smoking, pills, stealing and everything that is exciting and ‘fun’ to adolescents around that age. The school that I attended was one of the famous ‘gangsters’ schools in the area. Naturally, when I was admitted into such school, I began to be influenced. But don’t get me wrong. I did not smoke nor taken any pills even if I was out with them to disco. This had been my principle whenever I was out having fun with them. Oddly but most unfortunately though, I took up the habit of stealing. Most of my friends stole things from shops especially in shopping centres. Having heard of their ‘adventures’, I too felt that it’s ‘nothing’ if I do it although I know it was wrong to do so. We all stole, probably because of the excitement. Or maybe it was due to the desire to have something we don’t have as compared to our friends. Whatever the reason, from then on I started stealing. I don’t remember what was the first thing I stole. But I definitely remember what was the last thing I stole because that was when I was caught red-handedly.

On that particular occasion, I was getting bolder in stealing. I walked around in a departmental store and then I simply just took off clothes from its hangers and walked out from the entrance. It goes without saying, I was caught red-handedly and brought to meet the supervisor in his room. The supervisor gave me the chance to explain myself. After hearing my explanation, instead of calling the police to hand me in, he only called my mother because he decided to give me a chance to repent. Now as I’ve said, that was the last time I stole. I was fortunate enough to be given the chance to turn over a new leaf. Had I been handed over to the police, my fate today wouldn’t be the same.

The reason I decided to make this confession is because I came across something that was written by Zig Ziglar in his book, See You At the Top with regard to treatment towards ex-con. He highlighted correctly the fact that our society has an interesting concept of justice. When someone commits a crime he should pay for it. However, society goes one step beyond its treatment of those who have paid for their crimes. Society continues to deal with the ex-con in such a way that many of the convicts return to prison because even if the convicts have paid the price, it’s not over. We continue to discriminate them. The reason is because we have a natural tendency to see the “con” and forget the “ex”. We see them as thieves and treat them as one.

I believe such trend do exist in our society which sadly, is continuing without much attention. Therefore, when I read about this, it reminded me of my past. As I’ve said above, “Had I been handed over to the police, my fate today wouldn’t be the same”. I may not be jailed (as I was still a minor in the eyes of law) but I will have uneraseable criminal records which will be subject to discrimination whenever I look for jobs or anything I do in the future. Even though this will remain a dark spot in my life, nevertheless I turned over a new leaf. I’ve seen examples of ex-convicts who also turned over a new leaf. Therefore, as long as they have paid the price of their wrongs and repented, why should we continue to discriminate them?

Smile and your life will be a better place for you to live in...

I’ve said this before in my last blog and I’m gonna say it again. I am just one lucky lass to be able to sit in front of this monitor and type my feelings down without much trouble or effort for my friends to see. Why on earth am I so lucky?

A couple minutes ago, as I was browsing the variety of news in the star online, I observed that there are so many things whirling around us in our everyday lives. There is the problem of a particular student having to study and yet work part-time to earn RM15 daily in order to achieve his dream to become a scientist. And there are the usual stuff that our beloved Pak Lah has to say on how to improve the conditions of our country. But amongst the news, the kind that caught my attention was the news of cancer. I have read at least two cases of the death of cancer patients namely Puan Sri Rosaline (the wife of Tan Sri Francis Yeoh) and an ordinary man named “Hee Boon” (who started his own blog to tell what he went through after being diagnosed). Both had very different lives yet suffered the same plight. However, I believe at the time they passed away, both realized one same thing i.e. the true meaning of life.

Life is too short to be sad about minor things that really don’t matter. The question is, are you doing what you really wish to do in your life? As for a cancer patient such as Hee Boon, he has a lot of things that he wishes to do in her life, but had been restricted because of his illness. Even typing a few sentences in his blog was an arduous task for him. But did he give up and just wallow in self-pity? No. That is life. No matter what comes in your direction, you just have to stand upright and face it bravely. There’s no u-turn for you. It may not be easy, but you will live with no regrets, having known that you have at least tried walking that path, courageously. When everything else fails, you must not, at the very least, fail yourself.

If you start counting your blessings daily, you will have no time to remember your misfortunes. Maybe someone close to you will be willing to engage in the counting game together with you? It will be a most happy game for you.

Took for granted

Everyday in my life, I’ve taken things for granted. I’m one who likes to look to the future. I’m never contented with what I have at present. I always dream of becoming ‘someone’ one day. I always tell myself that “I want this, I want that” and how I can achieve this and that. But I’ve never stop to smell the roses along the way.

There are things you hold dearly close to your heart. You know those things are irreplaceable. Nothing in the world can make up for it when you lose it. Especially your family. Yet, you never show your appreciation to them. You take those things for granted because it’s assumed to be there for you whenever you need them. Until one day, you realize you are on the verge of losing it. Then, you start to realize how important it means to you.

Only when you lose something precious, you’ll start to cherish so many things more. You’ll start to feel how many things you possessed. And how lucky you are.

Love them while you can. They love you and don’t you think you should too?

Start looking around you. Although you may lament at times why in the world are those bad things happening to you, pause for a while and think. Think instead why in the world you have what you possessed now that others do not possess.

No mood to blog

Finished Lucky Star
Originally uploaded by rositaym.

Is it because of the change in living environment? Or is it because of the new semester’s blues? Been feeling un-inspirational to write anything.

However, to be fair, I have to say something about a few good things that happened to me recently.

1. Having a nice place to stay. After a massive spring cleaning of my new ‘home’, it looks so much cleaner and comfortable to live in. Besides the facilities available to be enjoyed, a nice roommate to stay with is an additional plus. She’s helpful and she’s ever willing to share her desserts aka “tong sui” with us. Finding a cheaper place is easy but finding a good place is hard. I think I’ve landed a good place to stay at least for a whole year. And this credit goes to Hosanna of course.
2. Having a supermum all this while. Packing and going back to uni was so hard for me especially after two months stay at home, shaking legs. Mummy had been taking care of my well-being in particular my moral spirit. I still remember that packet of kacang putih mummy bought for me while I waited in the bus back to KL. So caring. So touching.
3. To have my loving sister and brothers. They may not say many things nor be sensitive to my emotional well-being. But being able to remember whether I still have money in my bank account is enough to show how much they care for me.
4. To be able to proceed to my final year. To be able to safely cross the three bridges in order to reach my final year is indeed a gift from God for me. I wouldn’t say it’s easy but I’m lucky enough to achieve this till this moment.
5. To have friends who give help and encouragement to me. I may not have lots of friends but I do have a bunch of friends who have been with me all this while. And I thank you guys so much.

There are so many good things that happened to me. I don’t think I am being grateful if I complain about the less good things. Yes, I am one lucky person.

Alicia Hall - winner of 2005 SI Swimsuit search TV show

Alicia Hall - winner of 2005 SI Swimsuit search TV show
Originally uploaded by Jamie Chan.

She's got the attitude! Alicia - isn't she sexy?

H.A.T.E.

I Hate Sea Mammals.
Originally uploaded by kamilewislevin.

Do you hate someone? Are you now or in the past been hating someone till you don’t want to talk or see even his/her slightest shadow? How does it feel to have loathed someone to this stage?

I personally have no particular target at whom I have or now hate. In fact, I don’t know what is the kind of feeling to be keeping such deep hatred in myself. A major dislike perhaps, but not hate.

I watched the last episode of a Singapore TV series titled “Rhapsody in Blue” just now. In this particular finale, the lead actress told of a story about hate between a fish and the sea:

“The fish said to the sea, “You can’t see my tears because I am in the sea”. The sea then said to the fish, Ï can feel your tears because you are in my heart”.

Wonder why you’ve not been able to untie the knot of hatred in your heart? It’s because you did not possess the magnanimity of the vast sea. You have to find the root to the hatred. Learn to have that magnanimity and feel the agony of the person you hate. What makes you hate that person? Is it because of something that he or she has done? But if you learn to feel the tears of that person, it might be easier to walk the path of forgiveness and learn to accept the person.

“Hating someone is just like clenching your fist. You need to expend very much energy to clench your fist. Gradually, you’ll feel tired holding your fist. Let it go, you’ll feel immediately relieved”

Don’t regret of not forgiving that person you hated when it’s too late to do so. It’s a scary thing to feel remorseful.

If you hate someone, let go of the hatred. You will feel happier.

The game of the heart and mind

There are days when you do things on and on endlessly, not quite knowing what you are actually doing. Looking blankly at the work you are doing, your head is in fact thinking about something else that you don’t get an answer. But still, your mind just won’t let off its problem and keep wandering away like a wandering spirit. All it seeks is for that specific answer it wants and yet not knowing whether that is indeed THE answer to the problem plaguing it. Is this the answer? No, it doesn’t seem so. Next. Is this the answer? Cannot be. Next. And thus, the process went on and on. The heart tells the mind, “You know you want this, don’t force yourself.” Then the mind answers back, “No, stop telling me this. I shouldn’t be doing this. I don’t want to do this!”; both the ghosts in the body fighting invisibly. Outside, the mask of a calm and smiling face tells no sign of the fierce game happening inside it.

This game will continue endlessly. There’s no one to tally the score. Who’s the winner or loser? Don’t know because the game is still on. Occasionally, a dream or something the eyes happen to see, will trigger new rules to the game. This dream you made yesterday tells you something in your mind. Or is it your heart? The distinction is once again blurred. The fight got fiercer. No one tells you who breaks the rule. Is it the mind or the heart? Will this fight ever end? It depends then. Which will forgets first? Maybe the heart will forget about the subject-matter of the fight. So, the mind will triumph and rational sets in. Or maybe the mind will fall down in the tug-of-war. Then, the heart will cry for victory. Can they compromise? No. they can’t. Either one wins, the other will definitely lose miserably. Or maybe both will lose too because reality will intervene for sure. The reality will have the last say. No matter what you wish for, face up to the reality. As to what is the reality, I can’t see it because I’ve been blindfolded…once again…

Will both the mind and the heart shut up? Please let me be. I want to end the game.

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